Archive for the Jokes Category

Cardiologist Funeral

Posted in Jokes, Taz with tags , , , on December 28, 2008 by tazspaz

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, ‘I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral……..I’m a Gynecologist.’

The Proctologist fainted.

Welfare Check

Posted in Jokes, Taz with tags , , on December 28, 2008 by tazspaz

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.  He
marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare.  I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You’ll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You’ll be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have
to satisfy her sexual urges.  You’ll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage.  The salary is $200,000 a year.”

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day…

Posted in Jokes, Taz with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2008 by tazspaz

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.  When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa.  Isn’t this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?”

… And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.